The Bright Side of Symptoms

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During my first pregnancy, I was constantly tired with breast soreness and very little nausea.  When I miscarried, in my furious research for an answer, one of the common themes with women who miscarry is a lack of morning sickness.

This pregnancy, every little discomfort, soreness, pain or nausea (of which there has been plenty) has been reassuring as though the worse I feel, the stronger the baby must be.  For instance, the mere thought of seafood (one of my most favorite kinds of food) now makes me physically gag.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at a piece of salmon an not throw up a little in my mouth.

And I've tried everything.  Eating a small breakfast, eating a big breakfast, having a breakfast smoothie, snacking through out the day, eating 3 normal meals a day, no dice.  Everything either makes me nauseous, before, after, or while eating it.

And my chest is going through some serious soreness.  Sometimes it hurts just from the light movement of walking or from an accidental brush up against something.  Other times, usually when I've had plenty of rest (read 10+ hours because that's how much I've been sleeping) there is no pain and then the paranoia sets in.

In fact, at any given moment if I have the coincidence of feeling no nausea, no breast pain, no tiredness and no headache I then have paranoia that there's something wrong. I remember distinctly that before I started spotting as a sign of my miscarriage, my symptoms had disappeared almost overnight. No more sore breasts, a renewed energy, no big craving to lay on the couch and do nothing.  Naturally, any sign of feeling like my normal pre-pregnancy self is now met with insane paranoia.

And I'm glad to feel crummy if that means this baby is going to make it.  And I don't think I'm ever going to stop worrying.  Ever as long I live.

Is that the true essence of motherhood?

Is morning sickness and all the pains of the first trimester a lesson in the pain and selflessness that is supposed to come naturally with being a mom?  The paranoia and worry over things that are no longer completely in our control? In fact, are all of these symptoms and the range of emotions just getting us mentally trained for the reality that lies ahead?

I'm going to think about that while I lay here curled in a ball hoping trying to ease my nauseous stomach.

Note:  These posts have been delayed because we have waited to announce our pregnancy until after the first trimester.


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