TTC Straining Our Marriage

DH and I have been fighting. In trying to pinpoint exactly where it all started I realize it's a million different frustrations. Diverging attitudes towards conception, changing priorities and regular disappointment have brought us to a really dark place.

Our first time getting pregnant was so simple and the experience of the miscarriage was so profound that if I had to define where this all started, it would be there. Though DH was sympathetic, he was clear that he simply didn't feel the loss the way that I did.  How could he? No fluctuating hormones or feeling a physical void for him.

We're also very different in being proactive.  When I hit a wall keeping me from something that's this important to me, I'm willing to change it all up to get around the wall, break down the wall, explode it with dynamite.  Whatever.  I am the same about reproduction.  DH, however, believes that my proactive nature is stressing me causing more problems with getting pregnant than helping. He believes, we've gotten pregnant before so we can do it again.

I am obsessed with reading about TTC whether it's online or in books.  DH is skeptical of everything he reads about methods to improve fertility.  He feels like everyone gets pregnant so easily without sacrificing so there's no reason we shouldn't be able to.  I know that we're different and his denial of the fact that we have to do things differently than the majority of other reproductively successful people (aka parents) just makes me feel like I'm fighting this battle alone.

We both took tests to check for issues with our respective "parts" and found that he had a sperm morphology issue.  It seemed simple to me that we should take the natural road and try to adjust it with diet changes before going to meds and labs.  He, instead, found articles that disproved sperm morphology test results and their effects on fertility.  But he humored me.

Because he loves me, he was willing to go alcohol and gluten free because I believed it would help.  And though I was appreciative, it was taxing on him because his sacrifice didn't come from his own belief system but as an act of love towards me.  And when told that it would take at least 3 months before any changes to our diets would have an effect on our TTC chances, he said he couldn't do it for that long.

We argued over whether or not to just treat the problem with conventional medicine.  Clomid, IVF, whatever else happens in a lab. Taking Clomid seemed like a waste since my charts proved I was ovulating. And the idea of getting impregnated in a lab instead of through an act of love brought me to tears.

In turn, the confines of TTC were making him feel trapped.  Unable to simply do what he enjoyed like having a slice of full gluten pizza or a couple of beers whenever he wanted made him resent me. So I caved, it's more important to me to have a happy marriage than stress over marital problems.

And he's back to doing almost everything he was before we got serious about TTC.  Though he is drinking less alcohol, there are no more diet restrictions for him.  But another set of problems has cropped up.  That same resentment for having to bend over backwards for fertility has just manifested itself across the rest of our life.

And truth be told, I'm angry too.  I'm angry a lot of the time.  Angry over things that I don't even have the words to express to him anymore because we've argued about it so much.  Angry because I can't and don't want to change the person he is but in order to reach our goals I have to completely change my life.  Angry that it seems more comfortable to be apart focused on our own distractions than have to deal with each other. Angry that his resentment has grown to resentment over anything I ask him to do. Angry that I can't talk to him about fertility without it devolving into an argument or hurt feelings.

 I don't want to feel this angry.  I don't want to feel let down. I don't want to feel any of this negativity. But I just feel defeated.  I know how that my only solution is to resort to having doctors handle my fertility in a lab because there's nothing else I can do. And I don't want to wait any longer because time is ticking away but I can't try to have a baby when I feel like this in my marriage.

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